HE’S BEEN KICKED OFF OF ‘SOCCER AM’ AND NOW HE’S HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF SPEAKING TO ME ON THE PHONE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES. GEORDIE FUNNY-MAN CHRIS RAMSEY DISHES OUT HIS TIPS FOR SURVIVING VALENTINES DAY. YOU ARE WELCOME, CHILDREN OF THE EARTH.
LF: Being a professional comedian, you’re used to making people laugh. But what would you do if you went on a date with a girl, and she didn’t laugh at a single thing you said?
CR: I’d probably leave. Then I’d get her email address and send her a load of five-star reviews that I’ve had and go “look – you’re wrong. I’m fucking funny”.
LF: What if you’ve arranged a date for Valentine’s Day through Tinder, but when you meet up with your date in person, she’s not the Carey Mulligan look-a-like you were hoping for. What would you do?
CR: I’d probably just do the date and see what they were like, but, if it was that same girl from before that wouldn’t laugh at anything, I’d fucking leave.
LF: Fair enough. But what if you’re on a date with someone and you find out that they’re a descendent from Hitler – how do you respond?
CR: I wouldn’t just go “Are you a racist? Or an evil person?” First of all, I’d be like: “What do you think of bagels? What do you think of the circus? Do you like the people in the circus?” And then I’d ask if they had any money, and that they should probably give it to charity if it’s from their ancestors.
LF: What would you do if your girlfriend has bought you a Michael McIntyre DVD as a Valentine’s Day present?
CR: Probably watch it? I think he’s amazing. Other comedians just slag him off because they’re jealous – he’s an observational genius. I saw him before he got big in a 500-person capacity venue and the place was half empty, and he was still incredible. I’ve been a fan for years.
LF: Now for that age-old dilemma – you’re on a date, but when you go to pay, your card is rejected and you have no money. What do you do? Run?
CR: I’d just tell her ‘you’ve got to pay’.
LF: How about this – you’re about to go out on a date and you’ve got a headache. You take some Paracetamol to help, but it’s actually Viagra. What do you do now?
CR: Probably stay in and put the Internet on. I’ve got broadband.
LF: Cheers for your time, Chris.
CR: See you later.
(This interview is taken from a phoner I had with Chris last year (the full interview can be read here: http://lucasfothergill.co.uk/2014/03/19/chris-ramsey-interview/). He was more than happy to entertain my moronic questions, for which I am very grateful. He’s a nice man.)